If the reader has a desire to improve his or her life, it is hereby recommended that the following aphorisms are perused carefully and selectively, applying only those which seem best suited to develop in you good humor and fortune in all future endeavors.
It’s best to make sure you are born into a rich family. (Otherwise, put up with whatever you get.)
If you should happen to do something wrong–i.e., illegal or immoral–don’t get caught! (If you get caught, try to look innocent and like you’re about to cry).
Practice good manners. Try not to fight but if you must fight, make sure you knock the other guy’s block off so he always remembers you!
Don’t confuse love with lust. Anyone can fall in love but lust takes carefully nurturing. (Or is it the other way around?)
Anyone can experience lust but love takes careful nurturing. (There, that’s much better, don’t you think?!)
If you live in a time when the president is a mean-spirited, bullying, misanthropic, misogynistic, chauvinistic, narcissistic, pathologically lying, evil racist right-wing ignorant idiot, please make sure you give yourself enough time for sorrowful grieving for the plight of the nation. (We have fallen upon some very dark times indeed, my friends!)
