EASY ENGLISH: LESSON 1
I AND ME
I am a teacher who can teach anybody anything. I can teach a dog to talk and an elephant to fly. As hard as it may sound, I am now going to teach you something too. I am going to explain the difference between “I” and “me”.
This is a very difficult task, no doubt about it. For years and years many teachers have tried to impress upon young students’ mind the distinction. All these thousands of teachers failed time after time.
The difference between “me” and “I” is really quite simple. It’s just that many students prefer using the wrong word. It is a game to them like walking backwards instead of forward.
This is okay because I will prove to you anybody can be wrong. Some kids work at being wrong harder than others so you should not feel jealous or sad when they don’t get it and you do. You are smart!
Never be jealous of dummies because they need to be wrong all the time and they get real good at it through hours and hours of practice. Normal kids cannot keep up. For smart kids, the difference between “I” and “me” is a real challenge. They have to be very careful or they might use the right word by mistake.
To avoid that from happening, both smart kids and dumb kids practice being wrong so no matter what the sentence, they will always use “me” instead of “I” and “I” instead of “me”. It’s an art at which kids excel beyond all expectations.
To be perfectly honest, when I was a kid I was confused by when to use “I” and when to use “me”. None of these Grammar Rules and Grammar Rhymes really stick, you know. Teachers have explained the grammatical rule to me so many times they have turned blue in the face . . . but my memory loves to play tricks and refused to cooperate.
It’s pretty easy to get to the point of not knowing which is correct, “I” or “me”, so then you have to guess. Nine times out of ten you will guess wrong because the long odds do not favor the gambler. Even the one-time-out-of-ten you guess right, you won’t know if you are right or not so you might as well have been wrong!
That was the old way of teaching. Now I am going to use the new way invented by me, myself, and I as all three of us worked together.
I am going to explain to you when to use “I” and when to use “me”. For clarity’s sake before we begin, I am now talking about you. I am not talking about me.
This is sometimes confusing when talking about these words and whether I really mean “you” as a person or “you” as a word meaning anybody.
“You better not talk back to your Pa or you’ll get whacked” is an anybody “you” since all kids are a “you” and all of them can have a Pa that does some right smart whacking and smacking when he’s got a mind to. More about him later. Are you with me so far?
I will try to let you know which is which so you will not get confused like you would if I did not tell you I meant “you”. I think you will find clarifications like these are very helpful. “Me think” is no good for you.
Okay, Lesson 2: use “I” whenever you are talking about yourself. I don’t mean you should use my name that goes with “I” just because I am writing this down.
I mean you should use the pronoun “I” that goes with “you” when you are reading this so I mean “you” and not “I”. In other words, “I mean you and not me, okay?” . . . we’ll get to that shortly. Words can be people but they can be pronouns too.
“I” is called a pronoun. So is “you” so both you and I are pronouns. This is not a bad word. Do not get into a fight if someone comes up to you and says “I do not like your pronoun”. They are idiots. Tell them to get lost or go jump in a lake.
If the teacher tells you she doesn’t like your pronoun, do not tell her to get lost or jump in the lake because she will put you in a can of hot soup. Just say “Yes ma’am”, “No ma’am”, “You’re right, ma’am” and keep agreeing with everything she says so she will keep her can of hot soup to herself.
Example 2: let us say your name is John or Sally, or both. If you are John (pretend along) instead of saying “John like chocolate”, say “I like chocolate”.
See how easy it is? If you are Sally (play along) instead of saying “Sally like chocolate”, say “I like chocolate”.
Notice that both John and Sally like chocolate and this means they like each other. It’s possible that John likes other stuff about Sally besides her chocolate but Sally ain’t gonna give John any of her chocolate until John shapes up.
If you are LGBT then don’t worry about these names but choose one you prefer. For that matter don’t bother to worry about “you”, “I”, and “me” because you’ve got bigger problems to fry anyway.
Review of Lesson One:
In lesson I brilliantly explained “I” is a pronoun and “you” is the opposite of “I”.
(Another way to say this is “We is opposites” but that’s a lesson for another day.)
I also conclusively demonstrated that using names like John and Sally will help you understand who is who and why they like each other’s chocolate.
Lastly, I explained it is best to agree with the teacher all the time so you do not have hot soup for lunch. If your teacher asks you for your phone number so she can call home to rat you out, pretend you cannot remember your phone number.
End of Review and Start of Lesson Two
Lesson Three: I am now going to explain when to use “me” instead of “I”. This is where the fun begins! The answer is really easy.
Use “me” whenever it is wrong to use “I”. For example, “My friends and I like standing on the beach” is 100% correct. It would be wrong to use “me” in this sentence because “I” is right or I “are” right if you prefer.
Do not use “me” where “I” is standing on the beach because “I” is going to kick your ass. Example: “Me is going to kick your ass” is not right because “I” (not “me”) is going to do the ass-kicking. Get it?
Example 13: “I love school” is right. “Me love school” is not right (if you hate school then neither is right.)
Example 14: “I love chocolate” is right. “Me love chocolate” is wrong but if you hate chocolate then neither is right but it is only wrong because you don’t like chocolate not because “I” got knocked over by “me”.
“Me” cannot knock over “I” when “I” is in the right because “me” is not strong enough to replace right with might. Note that by changing the “r” to “m” you get a brand new word which is rather neat!
Anyway, remember what I am telling you: if “I” feels right then pretend you never heard of “me” because “me” can never replace “I” as a pronoun. (Write “me is not a pronoun” 1,000 times if you are afraid you will forget how it goes).
Lesson Nine: when to use “me”:
Let’s say I am going to write a letter to you and then you are going to write a letter back. Where is your letter going to go? That is when you use “me” because you are going to write the letter to me. It’s really just that simple!
You are not going to write the letter to “I” (my other self) because “I” is the pronoun and a pronoun can write to you but it cannot write to itself: “I is going to write me” makes almost no sense (except maybe to the second language learner.)
“I” can only write to another person (you) and you can only write to another person (me). You must write to me!
Example 24: “My brother and me ate two green apples.” This is way wrong and will give your teacher fits which she will take out on you and your classmates.
If you can say “I ate two green apples” then it does not matter how many brothers you have because you will need to stick to the pronoun “I” like glue.
“My five brothers and I ate two green apples” is right. “Me” did not do anything because me wasn’t even there.
If one of your five brothers gave you an apple, you can say “My brother gave me an apple” or “my brother gave an apple to me” but you cannot say it if your brother did not give you anything.
Remember, I am not asking you to tell me if this sentence is really true or really not true in real life but instead I want you to pretend the sentence is true and tell me if “I” or “me” makes it better true or worse true in terms of grammar true.
Last Rule: use “me” when something happens to you or somebody gives you something or you should happen to see the word “to” bobbing and floating along in the sentence and coming your way: “She is going to give the gift to me.”
Get it? Sally is not going to give the gift to you as “I” but to you as “me”. “She is going to give the gift to “I” makes no sense unless maybe if she is planning to trick you and take your gift and give it to herself rather than to you.
Girls are more honest than boys so this is highly unlikely although not out of the question entirely especially if you have done something bad to Sally (which she did not like you to do) in which case you should not expect a gift from her to either one of you, I mean either “I” or “me”, at all.
You were probably confused at the beginning but I have a good feeling by now you really understand the difference and know when to use “I” and when to use “me”. Make up some imaginary sentences of your own to prove this to yourself and if you get confused remember these three basic rules:
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I” is a pronoun. Do not use “me” when “I” is already there pronouning itself.
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Use “me” if using “I” is wrong or when you see the word “to” is a-coming.
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I forget what idea number 3 is but it is probably related to ideas 1 and 2. If you can figure out what idea 3 is, write it down and mail it to me. I will be very happy that you learned this very-important super-important difference.
You will never be confused by these two words “I” and “me” ever again. If you should forget, just remember to ask: “What difference does it make to me?” and answer “I think it makes a world of difference because I don’t want me to end up in a can of hot soup!”
Brought to you by the Committee to Bring an Enlightened Understanding of the Very Important Difference Between I and Me and You and Me Which We Are.
Signed, Committee Chairperson,
Chicken Little Feet
